I tried shouting “Who’s laughing now?” Then I saw this list. Then I said “ahhhh shut up.”

There is literally a beer called “Old Man” on this list. How can I yell at it?

These are the seven coldest beers at Snallygaster. They’re not cold, like chilled, they’re cold like they’re not hot. You’re used to the “20 Hottest Breweries” thanks to the abundance of listicles online. Well I’m old (in palate) and I’m grumpy. This list is the opposite. And it’s seven instead of 20. Stop overindulging.

There is not a single IPA on this list. Why? Because I am an old… or I have an old’s taste in beer.

I always joke with my friend Erika Goedrich about how we have grandpa and grandma palates. A grandparent’s palate is not a bad thing to have. The trouble is finding beers you love that are not IPAs; Double IPAs; and “sour” ales with raspberry, lychee, and milk sugar. Well today is your lucky day, junior, because here are my 7 favorite beers that are NOT IPA. Or, as my friend Ron Pattinson says, “IPA, sludge IPA, sludge IPA with fruit, sludge IPA with fruit and shit, Sour with fruit, sour with fruit and shit, Pilsner.” I will also leave the lofty pilsner out of it because so many of these visiting breweries also make pilsners.

If you’ve never had beer from Private Landbrauerei Schönram (Gargoyle), I’d tell you you’re missing out but you’re not (OK fine, I want it all for my greedy old self). Their Altbayrisch Dunkel is an incredible representation of the style and their “Gold” Festbier, is really better than everybody else’s. If you think it’s better than your favorite brewery’s festbier, you’re wrong.

Coniston Old Man Ale (Jabberwock) – Old man likes Old Man Ale. Shocker, I know. Roasty, but not a drop of coffee in it. Creamy, but not a drop of lactose in it. Brewed in the English lake district, this brewery turns 30 in 2025. Not old old, but in brewing years, 30 might as well be 300. “Using only the finest selection of hops and malts” Old Man Ale is cask and bottle conditioned. I’m feeling fine today and here’s a fine ale for it, because it’s back on the ibuprofen tomorrow.

De Ranke Saison De Dottignies (Jabberwock). A saison without shit in it. A simple beer that is both complex and restrained. How can this be? You ask. Well you see the duality of the saison is like me: I’m both an idiot and a savant. Both genuine and full of shit at the same time. A mystery wrapped in an enigma. 5.5% alcohol, full bodied without being too heavy, fruity without any actual fruit in it. Hoppy and bitter but not too bitter, a goldilocks beer; just right.

Freigeist Bierkultur Autobahn Alt (Medusa). Does it matter if Freigeist’s Alt is a Düsseldorf-style Altbier? Not to me. What matters is it’s a tiny bit roasty, a tiny bit bitter, and a tad smokey. Get in the Altbier, it’s likely the only one you’ll have all weekend, sonny.

Hofbräuhaus Traunstein Fürstentrunk Festbier (Jabberwock). This beer takes three to four months to make. Good things come to those who wait. According to the brewery, Fürstentrunk was first brewed in the 1950s by Fritz Sailer and brewer Heinrich Steiner. I have cousins named “Steiner” so I knew I was going to love this beer for completely subjective reasons. In 1975, Traunstein won eight medals from the German Agriculture Society. How many agricultural medals have you won?

La Brasserie Thiriez Blonde (Cyclops). In a word, blonde. In more words, hoppy, impressive foam and lacing that seems to last longer than my History Channel binge. It’s a simple title, blonde, for a beer that is impressive in its ability to convey a whole host of flavors; orange and zesty fizziness deliver fresh-baked bread malt in the mid palate and a wonderfully earthy and flowery zing of hops grown outside the US.

And there you have it. Seven beers that won’t appear on any list. I forsook my editor’s recommendations and his yearly exercise in rating ALL of the beers where he says “we’re not, by and large, going to Snallygaster to drink things we can typically get,” well I’m a contrarian. But this I believe: if you’re lucky enough to find these beers typically–in mint condition–go ahead and enjoy them typically. You lucky bum.